Sunday, December 21, 2008

...I'm Aware...

I wrote this entry 5 years ago...
While reading this recently, I felt my heart would burst out that I could barely remember things what really had happen before.
It seems that I've been badly hurt in that time...
But no worries at this present time because I'm suppeeerrr happy in my life
and I'm happy that we're friends...
Now, please enjoy reading this entry as I did so...

Remember the lines that go: “I’m aware…I’m in love but you don’t care?” Yep, you guessed it, my binding theme for this entry.

Honestly, I was quite hesitant to write about this because I feel quite strongly about the said lines. I didn’t want to trash it or do it such vile injustice. But I also thought a lot of people would more or less relate to this topic because I guess at some point they had once “loved” a person who seemed to be utterly clueless and oblivious to the his or her affection. The one-sided phenomenon.

When you think you’ve fallen for someone, the only thing that seems to matter is for that person to approximately reciprocate the way you feel for him or her. You make that person like you. But sometimes that making-him-like-me process can be so excruciating! It’s always a load of mind games and the over-analysis of things. Especially if you’re like me who tends to shred everything into bits, every minute detail, nothing is spared. I view this so-called process as a challenge but sometimes, challenges aren’t so fun anymore when the goal is too out of sight and out of reach. It’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the more you sink. It’s standing on shaky ground, or in this case, no ground at all. No one’s going to catch you. Maybe it’s only for the stalwart-hearted and the strong-willed soul.
But in end, who enjoys pursuing someone who doesn’t seem to give a damn? Who enjoys being hurt all too often? We reach a point where self-love enters the picture. We could choose to continue but we know we shouldn’t. Maybe it’s time to realize that not everything goes the way we it to regardless of how persistent we are.

I’m in love w/ a person whom i knew for a long time but he doesn’t care. Maybe he does care. But not enough. Maybe he does find me wonderful and fun and nice. But not enough. And perhaps, he does like me. But not enough. It’s not enough for him to let down his guard, to take a step closer. And knowing with all that was said, that nothing is enough, I should find in that enough reason to slowly let go. That I do deserve someone better. With love along with all its stupidity and beauty, there comes a point where I realize I don’t want to listen to sad love songs, or watch drippy movies, or read schmaltzy stories, I want the real thing not a mere reflection of it. So there, it’s time to stop. Stop not because I’m hurting, not because I’m sad, not because I’m scared.BUT because I LOVE. More.



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